Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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