Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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