i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
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We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
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My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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