The maid of honor just puked.
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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