I puked a lego.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
