Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he told me I talked like a deaf person
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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