I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
