Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
