woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
