I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
