I am spending my child support on dildos
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
