My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
