On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
