I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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