hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
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Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
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I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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