He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
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