I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
