well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I checked into jail on foursquare
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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