ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
