Your face is a jimmy john
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
