my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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