I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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