I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
