Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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