he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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