I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
