Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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