i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize