I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
