On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize