Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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