ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
