my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
