Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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