:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
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Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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