remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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