doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
