you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
