maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you win again, gameday.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
