I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
