Whatcha textin bout Willis?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
