No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
