two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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