I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
