i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
