Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's shark week go big or go home
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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