my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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