Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
