hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
