Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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