If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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