neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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