I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
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All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
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It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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