sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
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My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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