woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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